About Me

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Juneau, Alaska, United States
Not too much about me to describe. I'm pretty boring, funny, but boring...

Friday, November 5, 2010

Things I Expect to Work That Just Don't

The first thing that springs to mind is my leg, for obvious reasons, to anyone who knows me. I am sure we all know that feeling of missing a stair when we are walking. Well, my steps are all like that. But I remember a time not too long ago when it wasn't like that.

About five years ago I used to jog, everyday, for about a mile. There is nothing like the sound of shoelaces zipping together to tighten running shoes. Then the feeling of your feet furiously hitting the pavement. Your breath heaving from your chest. Your blood pumping through every limb, so fast. The feel of the icy air prickling your hot flesh. Just feeling fit.

Now, I am lucky if I can walk from my car into the store without having to stop to catch myself. There is nothing more embarrassing than walking in the store, taking just one more step and finding yourself on the floor, for no good reason at all, with a crowd of helpful people asking if you are ok and need help. It is also sad that the only thing people notice about me now is whether or not I am walking with my service dog or my cane. They don't know how much it stings when they smile and note that I don't have either of my walking assistants with me.

Oh or like when I was sitting with a friend in a restaurant/bar setting and some guy came up and was hitting on me. The compliment is always nice, but I was trying to politely to let him know I was not available. He kept hitting on me, but I had to pee. So I told my friend I would be right back. He watched me get up and pick up my cane. The look on his face was embarrassment mingled with contempt. He walked away without a word. Interested or not, that one stung.

I don't know but lately it feels like everything I look forward to doesn't work out real well. Like studying for tests, knowing I know the material (because you could ask me anything and I could answer it correctly) and then I get to the test and none of the questions even remotely look like what I studied. Or like planning to go do something fun and having it end up sucking because the sound system guy can't seem to get rid of the feed back on the mic of the woman I have waited years to see in concert. Or having surgery to fix something and waking up with all the skin on the inside of my lip missing because I've bitten it off in my anesthetized state.

I suppose life is full of it's ups and downs, but I find it sad that I watch people just walking and feel envious that they can do it without looking like a hunched back duck. Staring longingly as they bend over to pick up something they've dropped without wincing on the upswing. I hate taking 30 minutes to get out of bed, only to hobble over to my pill bottles so I can walk for the rest of the day. I don't like pitied looks, dirty looks and feelings of inadequacy. I really don't like people treating me like I am lying because I am too young to have these problems. I hate that I have nothing more interesting going on in my life than my new surgical consort or some new fangled test I get to go through. Where did all the fun go? Where did all the friends go? And why can't I "Go take a hike?" I would love to be able to actually do it the next time some ass tells me to.

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